Good Mom pt. 2
- Kelly Nelson
- Mar 22, 2019
- 4 min read
My husband is not a baby guy. To be honest he was/is pretty hand’s off in the early months. He does step up in the toddler stage and I am sure he will thrive in the 5-9 years. (not sure how I will do) But our youngest is two months and he has changed 2 of her diapers. (I really think it has only been one, but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.) Small infants were not something he grew up around. I on the other hand, don’t remember a time in my life where there wasn’t an infant to take care of. (My little sister was a surprise and then my older sisters started having kids.) And side story, my older sisters forced me to change my little brothers diapers when I was 5, and he’s not even two years younger than me! So, all to say I knew what and how to ‘do’ things when we entered this stage of life. AND lucky for my husband, I absolutely love the newborn and baby stage and don’t mind having baby all to myself.
When we found out we were having our first, I researched and read everything I could get my hands on in regards to pregnancy and early childhood. We weren’t planning on having her for another couple years so I had to change my mindset fast. Thank you God for giving us 9 months to prepare. And while many parents focus so much on the ‘doing’ like: the feeding, the changing, the sleep training, cleaning, and so on to determine whether or not he/she is a good parent. I have conditioned myself not to do that to my husband. Don’t get me wrong, that Doris Day slapping meme cracks me up every time, because it accurately depicts my desire in the middle of the night. But I don’t see my husband as a father in what he ‘does’ for our children, at least in these early ‘tasks’.
My oldest is three, so the jury is still out on whether or not we are actually doing a good job parenting or know what we are talking about. But my husband’s contribution to our kids’ development is so much more than what could be asked of him. Even though he does do a lot in providing, securing, and leading our family; who he is right now is influencing our little ones more than anything he could do. His work ethic, fun and childlike spirit, and commitment to their best life is what he contributes. Which means he works hard for them and he plays hard with them.
His heart after and in love with Jesus and his loving pursuit after me is what should be #1 and #2 in his life. He loves his kids, is always willing to help and sometimes feels far from them when he is in a season of too much work and no play. But I don’t care if doesn’t change diapers or never gives the baby a bottle. (breast feeding doesn’t really allow him to anyways) I care more about the spirit of our home and the atmosphere our kids are raised in. He directly effects that in other ways. He brings a strength, direction, and voice in their life that I could not on my own.
I believe that because I have taken the mindset to not expect him to be all about the early childhood ‘tasks’, it has freed him to do what he can/needs to do to love and support us. But more so it frees me from hurt or offense when he doesn’t do those things. When I ask for help, he knows it’s because I need it. Expectations and them being met can make or break any relationship. Unspoken and therefore unmet expectations hurt us. We create ideas, perspectives, and worlds in our heads and if someone knowingly or unknowingly goes against them, we get hurt. Hurt feeds bitterness, strife, and ultimately our actions. Whenever I feel ‘let down’ I think to myself if I fully communicated what I expected. If not, that is on me and I take ownership of my thoughts and feelings. Which means I try not to take it out on him. If I feel like I did communicate them, then I look for where and why the ‘ball dropped’. Then we address it. This process slows me down in unhealthy emotions and words and in making unhealthy decisions. It also opens the door for real, productive communication about feelings and desires.
We are definitely not perfect with this and it has taken years to develop but it has helped our family dynamic over the years. I have to take ownership of my attitude and spirit because where ever I go, there I am. Which of course relates to motherhood. The best thing for our kids are healthy parents, and this is one of the ways I can help us be healthy. I understand our family dynamic is a little old fashioned, but it is our family and our story. You don’t have to be married to learn the expectation and hurt cycle. We have to apply this to any and all relationships. As much as we like to think our lives are compartmentalized, they are NOT. So the faster you take ownership of the entirety of your life, the healthier you will become.
A really great book to read if you find yourself with some bitterness/hurt/offense is The Bait of Satan by John Brevere
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